In-law issues affect the family and farm

Problem

My husband and I have been farming for 32 years. Our son graduated from college two years ago, moved home, and now farms with us full-time. He recently married, and we provide him and his wife with a house, a vehicle, and some land. Our daughter-in-law was warm and friendly to start, but has turned cold and distant. We’ve asked to sit down with them so we might understand her behavior, but they refuse a conversation. Our son asked us not to talk to her, as he wants to work through it with her. We feel upset, disrespected, and unappreciated. We are baffled because we have been supportive of them and their marriage and don’t understand her hostility. What do we do?

— Submitted by email from B.T.

Solutions: 

There are at least two sides to every story, and the challenge is, you only know your side. The justification of their behavior may or may not be based on reality, but apparently, they are motivated by emotions and goals you don’t know about, and neither of them care to share. 

I suggest you find a family counselor and make the same resource available to your son and daughter-in-law. Whether they attend is their choice. Listen to learn. A professional may help explore signs from the past, present options, and provide a mental health assessment.

Along with the counselor’s guidance, you need to continue to operate the farm as a business.

Be pleasant and polite with your employed son. Talk about the weather and work expectations, not your sadness or frustration, or anything about his wife. Continue with performance accountability for you and all employees. Celebrate the contributions and accomplishments of those responsible for farm labor and management.

Avoid their home unless it is for a landlord/renter issue. If you gifted (titled) them their house and land, do not trespass, nor expect any gratitude. Be very careful of gifting business and personal assets. You cannot buy acceptance, appreciation, or communication.

Unless you’re consulting with a counselor, adviser, or pastor, do not talk about this with anyone.

If your son continues to place himself between his wife and you as parents and business owners, understand that your son’s health, work performance, and/or relationships may suffer. If your son chooses to support his wife and her position of ostracizing you, you need to make a business decision. As owners, you cannot have employees or potential owners whose actions make you feel disrespected, upset, and unappreciated. You will always love him as a son, but working together may not work for you, your son’s new family, or the business. Employment termination (ending of salary and all fringe benefits) must be in writing and include a specific date.

I understand it may be your dream to have your son farming with you and be a family that supports each other and the business. But you must face reality, not a dream. If you manage a solid business with positive leadership and management, there are many others who would like an opportunity to farm.